We had a fun Christmas this year, even though there were some members of the family who weren't there with us.
Bert is still in the Middle East of course. But he did call. The conversation we had was upbeat and sad at the same time. We were discussing the future and my current situation. There are some things I need to discuss with him.
And then there's Lilia. I had looked forward to sleeping in our old room. But sad to say, she didn't manifest herself last night. Oh well, once is enough I guess. Though there were at least two separate manifestations, one at Lavender and the other at Novaliches.
As usual, we had Christmas eve at my parents' place and then went to Novaliches, to Lilia's folks in the morning. I'm still having some sleep deprivation headache. Mild headache.
Was able to take lots of pictures during the exchange gifts last night. But not too many pictures at Novaliches. I'll have to double the effort at picture taking this New Year. We might celebrate it at Novaliches (as usual) but plans are still up in the air.
It was a good Christmas celebration. I'm happy. And the kids are happy.
--Andoy
25 December 2008
I've posted the pictures.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Dip in the Road
I am at a big crossroad. Not a nexus. A crossroad. Or more like the caves of Moria, where the path has three paths to choose from. I hesitate.
I am afraid of what is happening to me. I am depressed. I want to cry but I can't. I shake. I need coffee, but I'm trying to cut down on it. It's the gas, you see. I burp a lot of gas on a bad day. And that hurts. I've got medication for that.
There are some people I would want to have talked to. Or with. One just got out of the hospital for an operation. There is one other, but I have tried to set an appointment for about three years, and no go. And then there's this language instructor I know, who I cannot get myself to talk to. It's complicated, I dearly want to talk to her, but I can't. We decided not to see each other with exception of coffee. But things broke down after that. She hates me. The best I can hope for is that we can meet sometime in the future. For coffee.
There's only one other person I talk to about it right now. The words are seeping in and I am trying very hard to move forward and out of this funk. I have to get up and look to working and to take care of my family and my friends.
My natural hardheadedness keeps me from understanding things which I am hearing. And that includes the things I say.
I'm having a difficult time. I cannot concentrate on my work. I am dying. I am going crazy.
It's this time of year when I sorely miss Lilia. I miss her a lot. I've had ups and downs during Christmas. But it was bearable with Lilia. She handled the Christmas lists and the shopping.
Sadly, I have wanted to cry since late August. A good cry. But it hasn't happened yet.
I am coping. I am now making breakfast for my kids. Waking at 4:30 or 5:00AM to cook breakfast.
Lilia takes care of a lot of things. Not least is the budget and the school opening and Christmas shopping. She cleans the house. I live here but have not cleaned it as much as she did. She took care of us. I miss her a lot.
I feel I am dying. The pain is back.
There's the five stages of death: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have accepted that she is gone. But only now is anger seeping in. And the depression keep coming back. Ano ba???!!!!
I am trying to keep it together, and not show it for the kids. But it is very painful. I guess the pain shows as well.
I can go on and on with this rant. This is a stupid cycle. And the best I can do is do one task at a time.
--Andoy
16 Dec. 2008
I am afraid of what is happening to me. I am depressed. I want to cry but I can't. I shake. I need coffee, but I'm trying to cut down on it. It's the gas, you see. I burp a lot of gas on a bad day. And that hurts. I've got medication for that.
There are some people I would want to have talked to. Or with. One just got out of the hospital for an operation. There is one other, but I have tried to set an appointment for about three years, and no go. And then there's this language instructor I know, who I cannot get myself to talk to. It's complicated, I dearly want to talk to her, but I can't. We decided not to see each other with exception of coffee. But things broke down after that. She hates me. The best I can hope for is that we can meet sometime in the future. For coffee.
There's only one other person I talk to about it right now. The words are seeping in and I am trying very hard to move forward and out of this funk. I have to get up and look to working and to take care of my family and my friends.
My natural hardheadedness keeps me from understanding things which I am hearing. And that includes the things I say.
I'm having a difficult time. I cannot concentrate on my work. I am dying. I am going crazy.
It's this time of year when I sorely miss Lilia. I miss her a lot. I've had ups and downs during Christmas. But it was bearable with Lilia. She handled the Christmas lists and the shopping.
Sadly, I have wanted to cry since late August. A good cry. But it hasn't happened yet.
I am coping. I am now making breakfast for my kids. Waking at 4:30 or 5:00AM to cook breakfast.
Lilia takes care of a lot of things. Not least is the budget and the school opening and Christmas shopping. She cleans the house. I live here but have not cleaned it as much as she did. She took care of us. I miss her a lot.
I feel I am dying. The pain is back.
There's the five stages of death: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have accepted that she is gone. But only now is anger seeping in. And the depression keep coming back. Ano ba???!!!!
I am trying to keep it together, and not show it for the kids. But it is very painful. I guess the pain shows as well.
I can go on and on with this rant. This is a stupid cycle. And the best I can do is do one task at a time.
--Andoy
16 Dec. 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Health Issues
Darwi had acute gastroentiritis last Thursday. She got home not feeling well. She went to the home of one of her classmates, along with some others in her group where they had dinner. Unfortunately, even before dinner she vomited. And she was not able to eat much that night.
She told me when she got home that she was embarrassed that she vomited at her friend's place. I was just glad she got home safe. She didn't eat any that night, and had a slight fever. If she had diarrhea that evening, I would have taken her to the hospital. We had decided that she won't attend class the next day, and instead we'd go see the doctor. She was relatively okay during the weekend, but I as since she was not yet feeling very well, I had her rest on Monday.
And with me, I had postponed visiting the doctor for some time now. I've had gas problems since last week. It subsided somewhat during the weekend, but when Monday came and I was still feeling some pain, I had to have it checked. I'm feeling better now. But the gas keeps coming back. Not as painful as before, but it's really a bother.
Now if the dementors would just keep away so I could get some sleep, then that would make my day.
--Andoy
11 December 2008
She told me when she got home that she was embarrassed that she vomited at her friend's place. I was just glad she got home safe. She didn't eat any that night, and had a slight fever. If she had diarrhea that evening, I would have taken her to the hospital. We had decided that she won't attend class the next day, and instead we'd go see the doctor. She was relatively okay during the weekend, but I as since she was not yet feeling very well, I had her rest on Monday.
And with me, I had postponed visiting the doctor for some time now. I've had gas problems since last week. It subsided somewhat during the weekend, but when Monday came and I was still feeling some pain, I had to have it checked. I'm feeling better now. But the gas keeps coming back. Not as painful as before, but it's really a bother.
Now if the dementors would just keep away so I could get some sleep, then that would make my day.
--Andoy
11 December 2008
Paquito Sanchez
My brother-in-law passed away this past weekend. Paquito was 49. He left behind his wife Grace in Canada and four children. His eldest is studying nursing in FEU while his three other kids are all in Canada.
Binigyan na siya ng taning sa buhay noong isa pang taon. Ang sabi ng doctor ay wala na silang magagawa para sa kanya.
He has had multiple operations. Part of his lung was cut, along with his stomach and several feet of his intestines.
I'm happy that he survived more than a year after being discharged from the hospital. For me, it's some sort of bonus time. But I am not okay with this.
What's sad is that he was not able to see his youngest daughter since he came back from Canada. She planed in with her older brother this past Tuesday. The youngest sibling had wanted to go visit as well, but there was not enough financing available for all to go back to the Philippines. Grace elected to stay in Canada. Though it was her sister who footed the bill for the two kids to fly back.
No, I am not okay with this. It felt like a slow creeping depression which I experienced last Sunday, when we went home. On Satuday, we went to the house in Novaliches, for the wake, and stayed overnight. From there, we went decided to do some shopping just to be ahead of the Christmas shopping rush. This was more or less a spur of the moment thing, as I didn't know when I would do my Christmas shopping.
I guess it did show that I wasn't in the mood for Christmas. Maybe not yet. Maybe not really this year. It was not like a "bah humbug" kind of feeling. It was just like sleep walking. I didn't have any plans to buy anything, but still took the time to do so.
Paquito was the youngest of Lilia's brothers. I guess I did try not to be too much affected by his death. But that's that. And the feeling of emptiness just creeped in.
Supposedly there are several stages when getting the news about death: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With Lilia, I am hovering between depression, acceptance and anger. With Paquito, I have accepted it before it ever happened, but I am still in denial.
I don't like it. I absolutely hate it. He's gone, and there's nothing much I can do. But I don't have to like it.
--Andoy
10 December 2008
Binigyan na siya ng taning sa buhay noong isa pang taon. Ang sabi ng doctor ay wala na silang magagawa para sa kanya.
He has had multiple operations. Part of his lung was cut, along with his stomach and several feet of his intestines.
I'm happy that he survived more than a year after being discharged from the hospital. For me, it's some sort of bonus time. But I am not okay with this.
What's sad is that he was not able to see his youngest daughter since he came back from Canada. She planed in with her older brother this past Tuesday. The youngest sibling had wanted to go visit as well, but there was not enough financing available for all to go back to the Philippines. Grace elected to stay in Canada. Though it was her sister who footed the bill for the two kids to fly back.
No, I am not okay with this. It felt like a slow creeping depression which I experienced last Sunday, when we went home. On Satuday, we went to the house in Novaliches, for the wake, and stayed overnight. From there, we went decided to do some shopping just to be ahead of the Christmas shopping rush. This was more or less a spur of the moment thing, as I didn't know when I would do my Christmas shopping.
I guess it did show that I wasn't in the mood for Christmas. Maybe not yet. Maybe not really this year. It was not like a "bah humbug" kind of feeling. It was just like sleep walking. I didn't have any plans to buy anything, but still took the time to do so.
Paquito was the youngest of Lilia's brothers. I guess I did try not to be too much affected by his death. But that's that. And the feeling of emptiness just creeped in.
Supposedly there are several stages when getting the news about death: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With Lilia, I am hovering between depression, acceptance and anger. With Paquito, I have accepted it before it ever happened, but I am still in denial.
I don't like it. I absolutely hate it. He's gone, and there's nothing much I can do. But I don't have to like it.
--Andoy
10 December 2008
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