Paquito Sanchez

My brother-in-law passed away this past weekend. Paquito was 49. He left behind his wife Grace in Canada and four children. His eldest is studying nursing in FEU while his three other kids are all in Canada.

Binigyan na siya ng taning sa buhay noong isa pang taon. Ang sabi ng doctor ay wala na silang magagawa para sa kanya.

He has had multiple operations. Part of his lung was cut, along with his stomach and several feet of his intestines.

I'm happy that he survived more than a year after being discharged from the hospital. For me, it's some sort of bonus time. But I am not okay with this.

What's sad is that he was not able to see his youngest daughter since he came back from Canada. She planed in with her older brother this past Tuesday. The youngest sibling had wanted to go visit as well, but there was not enough financing available for all to go back to the Philippines. Grace elected to stay in Canada. Though it was her sister who footed the bill for the two kids to fly back.

No, I am not okay with this. It felt like a slow creeping depression which I experienced last Sunday, when we went home. On Satuday, we went to the house in Novaliches, for the wake, and stayed overnight. From there, we went decided to do some shopping just to be ahead of the Christmas shopping rush. This was more or less a spur of the moment thing, as I didn't know when I would do my Christmas shopping.

I guess it did show that I wasn't in the mood for Christmas. Maybe not yet. Maybe not really this year. It was not like a "bah humbug" kind of feeling. It was just like sleep walking. I didn't have any plans to buy anything, but still took the time to do so.

Paquito was the youngest of Lilia's brothers. I guess I did try not to be too much affected by his death. But that's that. And the feeling of emptiness just creeped in.

Supposedly there are several stages when getting the news about death: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With Lilia, I am hovering between depression, acceptance and anger. With Paquito, I have accepted it before it ever happened, but I am still in denial.

I don't like it. I absolutely hate it. He's gone, and there's nothing much I can do. But I don't have to like it.

--Andoy
10 December 2008