Something happened two weeks back. My wife died. I'm writing this now hoping that I can move forward as I have not been able to. Dying is like a hump for the survivors. I admit I could not let go because I don't know how.
I was working that night. And it was a pleasant surprise that the kids and Lilia went to bed early. Around 10pm, Lilia had to get up and pee. Passing by the open door she saw me still working and told me to get some sleep lest I get sick.
Two hours later, I heard a bang with her on the floor prone with her hands across her chest. I turned her on her back and I tried to revive her. Didn't work. The past two weeks have been a blur.
It seems that everything is moving so fast.
The house is a mess. Two renters moved into the apartment on the house's ground floor. And we had to move our things out of there. We haven't cleared out Lilia's things. But we were able to pack her clothes. These would be sent to Bolinao for distribution there.
(For several years now, my parent's have been bringing old clothes to Bolinao, almost twice a year, for distribution to relatives who are not as well off as we are. The rest of the family pitches in and segregates old clothes for this purpose.)
On the advice of friends, the kids and I have done some re-arranging. We've taken out some chairs. These are now being used by one of the renters. We've put the computer in the living room. So when I work at night I am sitting with the couch to my back. That's where Lilia died by the way. And I just have to keep looking behind my back at the sofa.
The last photo we had together was during the storm.
I took a work-at-home internet-based job so that I can watch over Lilia. The daily commute was a good two hours in the morning and more than two hours in the evening. That was not good. And considering that she got hospitalized in June, I thought that working from home was a no-brainer. Three weeks later, I find myself at home and alone.
I haven't been listening to mp3 songs lately. Most of the songs are downers or from Kenneth's emo playlist. It would have been okay if it was Kenneth playing the guitar, then Darwi and I would be singing along.
I am not into a depression. I am staring at it and keeping away as much as I can.
But after two weeks, I still can't let go. I don't know how. I am not a teetotaler, but I'm no drinker either. My focus right now is work and the kids.
They're teenagers now, with Kenneth a freshman fine arts student and Darwi graduating from high school. They should be able to take care of themselves if I leave them at home. But I'm not very comfortable leaving them.
We've had some household activities which we do as a group. These were all Lilia's tasks before. She didn't give these tasks for us to do. Now we do the household tasks. But poorly.
How do I let go of a twenty year marriage?
I've known Lilia for 25 years. Deep she is. That one has seen the future. And she has seen the now. Lives in both she does.
Lilia sleeps on the couch. She has her legs elevated as well as her head and torso. Kinda awkward methinks. The legs have to be elevated because of her allergy and varicose veins. Her upper body has to be elevated because she has an enlarged heart. Every so often she groans and moans from a bad dream, and I have to wake her up. (On the other hand, I also have those dreams where I literally cry out for help for somebody to wake me up.)
We've got a small place. Two bedrooms, one was formerly occupied by the kids and the other by me and Lilia. I asked Kenneth to move out of the other bedroom and room with me. I guess I did that so that I won't be afraid of sleeping. We don't close doors here. Never been a habit.
I'm moving forward. But I still have this very physical pain in my chest.
Sometime soon it won't be as painful. I hope.
--Andoy
3 Sept. 2008
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