I did not have a good weekend. I was at work Saturday and Sunday. I was not myself, I got suckered into a weekend, which I would normally have wanted to spend at home.
A project got started last Friday. We were already in the beginning (ramp up phase) of a project which supposedly is doable in three months. And then the owner of the company had a business opportunity and asked the normal question: can you do this in a week. And I gave the standard answer: Yes. The whole day was spent in meetings, one after the other (I met the two programmers in the fire escape, I talked with one of the senior programmers in the Men's Room which had only one toilet bowl and a sink, talked things over lunch with the team, and two other meetings in the afternoon) just to thresh out what to do. At the end of the day, it was decided that we'd be having a different team composition, a small three man team different from the team which we began with in the morning, a commitment to finish the job within one week, and to work on it during the weekend. From an almost impossible position in the morning, it looked almost possible by the time we closed out the day.
And then the weekend happened. It was fairly straight forward with the work. The job was compartmentalized so that the different components could be done without any interference from the others until it came time to integrate. Just a race against time, actually. Just that we needed to be working during the weekend.
I also got myself into a disagreement with a friend of mine. Stupid me, it was my fault. The logic was faultless, impecable even. But sometimes logic does not have place in a discussion. The aim of a discussion is to have fun, and to give points to everyone around. The object of a debate is to prove somebody right and somebody wrong. I made a mistake and a discussion became a debate. And I lost my head and did something which one does not do in a discussion between friends: I gave a perfectly logical statement and a solution. I lost the discussion, because all hell broke loose. I made my friend very mad.
It was a "going nowhere" discussion where we were having fun discussing nothing in particular. The topic itself was something we've beaten to death before. And then something was said, and I said the opposite, just to bait and prod the discussion further where I knew it would get touchy. And something was said, and my pride was hurt. Did it really matter that we were having fun discussing things, and then I said something perfectly true but really stupid. My pride was hurt, because I knew something to be true, but nonetheless it was not openly admitted nor stated. That was it.
I have tried very hard all these years not to argue. I may be argumentative, but I pick my arguments and with whom I have them with. I only argue with people who will take on the argument in a logical manner. And I try very hard to make sure that it is a win-win situation, where everyone is given credit all around. This time however, I blew my cool. I said something which we both knew but calmly tiptoed around and never discussed. And I had to walk out afterwards. I made a mistake. A very tactless mistake. And yet, I had the temerity to walk out. What balls! Damn, damn stupid. Bad move, Andoy, bad move.
I think I lost my friend. I don't know. Maybe one day, we can talk again, in a very civil manner at first. Very cold reception, most probably. If at all, that is.
I've apologized and given my take on the matter. But the friendship may have been shattered. It is not very often that I've had this happen to me. And not in the last ten years.
If I want to retain this friendship, I will need to work on it. But for now, I cannot talk to my friend. I am swamped by other more important matters. Family, for one. And time for myself to think alone and reflect on friendships.
--andoy
7 February 2005
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