I admit I am not a "good guy." I also have a Dark Side. Maybe not as dark as others, but definitely dark. And it frightens me. Truly, it does! Very frightening thought that of realizing that it is there and that every day it takes a conscious effort just to keep it bottled up. I guess in most things, to be good and to keep on doing good, you have to bottle up the dark side.
Some people describe the difference between good and evil as a very thin line. I have decided early on that wherever that line may be, I am not going near it. The temptation to cross the line is over-powering. It is a siren call to the rocks on a stormy sea. I would rather meet the stormy seas than be tempted into the rocks.
Other people describe the difference between good and evil as shades of gray. I have decided that I'd rather be in a well-lighted place. Maybe in some instances, it does turn gray -- a very dark gray. But I try not to consciously move to a darker area. There have been times when I ran away from there. I guess that in some cases, the circumstances just turn dark very fast.
I am a latent addict. I know that if a real addiction comes on, I might not be able to escape. That's the reason I don't smoke -- I never started. Nowadays, I don't drink alcohol (okay, maybe a bottle every now and then, or every two months if there is an occasion.) I have seen firsthand what alcoholism can do. Good thing I hate the hangover more than I like the drinking. I would rather have the drinking companions without me drinking. Doesn't make sense, that everyone is getting inebriated and I'm not matching my drinking companions bottle for bottle. I don't even sleep drunk. I try to wear off the alcohol before getting to bed.
Drugs? Just the occasional analgesic for the headache or migraine.
But why do I say that I have a very dark side?
Several months ago, during the election some stupid guy or group of stupid guys scattered sharp tacks/nails on EDSA and there were several vehicles stranded because of flat tires. There was an unusually heavy traffic jam that night. I say it was stupid, because what they did was child's play. Absolutely juvenile. Only teenagers with nothing to do in their neighborhood would do some damn fool thing like that. Imagine, scattering these objects at only one spot? Stupid. I thought of the same plan years before, before the EDSA MRT. To stop the traffic you have to do it in at least 5 strategic places, at about the same time of the afternoon, preferably raining, and then you time this with some trucks delivering... A real terrorist plot.
Maybe in that sense, Filipinos are not meant to be terrorists, because Filipinos are afraid of hurting people.
My main limitation in terms of my fight with myself is that I take the passive road. When Napoleon was asked what he would do in a given situation where there was no way of escape or winning, he answered that would not happen because he would not even get into the situation in the first place. In the Star Trek simulation of the Kobayashi Maru, Sulu was supposed to have taken the stand NOT to follow the distress signal. In the Academy simulation, he did not try to help the Kobayashi Maru. That is the same stand I follow. I will not allow myself to get into such a situation where I am forced to decide. My stand is not to start smoking. Not to start taking drugs. Not to start down the road of alcoholic solace. Bribes as a government official, sorry that will not happen to me, because I will not sit as a government official. I never did take the Civil Service exam because I never wanted to go into government. I did not want to have the chance to be in such a position where I have no choice about corruption.
The dark side is about committing. I have taken a look at the committing part and I cannot help but wonder, what about getting away with it? Some people will do it because they get perverse pleasure in doing wrong. It is a drug. It is power. Sorry, unless but if I can't get away with it, I'm not even going to be anywhere near it when it happens. If you can't pay for the crime, if you cannot do the time, do not do the crime. Not worth it. I stay away. Way, way away!
And if I could get away from it? I still doubt if I could. I would most probably walk away from the temptation. Nice to look and study maybe as a logic problem. But sorry, I may know how it can be done, but it was not me. I wasn't there.
Moriarty and Holmes are one and the same. They are just two sides of the same coin. Unfortunately, as much as I don't want to be Moriarty, I cannot be Holmes either. I would rather prevent than apprehend after.
Am I amoral then? Considering that the opposite of being moral is not being immoral, but being amoral. I guess my being a sort of fence sitter makes me amoral. But I guess what differentiates me from amoral people is that I know what morality is and what it entails. Really amoral people do not. If we are to take a look at history, we see clear examples.
Joseph Estrada has been called amoral. He did not care about the morality of his deeds. He had already been accepted by the masses as a man with multiple wives and a drunk. Hitler some people say was very strait-laced moral. Although his sense of logic was very flawed. Some of his people were immoral, like Goering. Having the time of their lives while they were in power and enjoying the pogrom, too. The generals for the most part were amoral. They did not think of the morality of their deeds. It was a war, they were soldiers.
As I grow older, I am asking more things of myself. Whereas before, I can say that I am a relativist of sorts. I now see that I cannot afford to be that way. I cannot still judge or condemn the actions of others. However, I am becoming more critical of my own actions, judging more sternly than before. Maybe one of these days I will win against the Dark Side which matters, that of my own.
~~andoy
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